I have so much to share after my month long journey but I cannot stop myself from writing this post and tell you all about how I feel at the moment.
Well, first of all, I got back to work right away after traveling. As a copywriter, it took awhile for me to navigate our tool properly again but I was able to cope after a day of watching my colleague work. The editing part, on the other hand, was easy.
Days passed and I thought I was doing well. I missed my friends at work, I missed the laughter, I missed the overall corporate vibe. But it wasn’t long until I found myself crying and questioning why I chose to go back home.
At the moment, I only have one thing in mind and that is to travel again – and I mean NOW. I honestly did miss the office life a bit, but it was so temporary unlike missing the moment of being out there and not knowing what to expect.
My month long journey made everything so challenging…well, travel does make everything challenging. I was out there trying to figure things out. It was absolute freedom. Everyday, something new came up. So it wasn’t like I’d wake up and know what to expect. Everything was unknown to me.
There were times when I actually did nothing when I was out there, but there was something extraordinary about doing nothing – the beauty of doing nothing or Bel far niente in Italian as Elizabeth Gilbert would say. It made me see my life more; it put me right at the moment; it cleared my mind and it made me appreciate everything around me.
And these are feelings and experiences that I have NEVER in my entire life felt while working for a corporate institution.
My biggest question right now is: how long will I endure this?
Again, it’s not that I’m unhappy with the work itself. But it’s the complacency of this kind of life that I was groomed for that makes me uneasy.
I know we all have to work, but I’m not sure if it’s really worth working for something or someone whose aim is just to be powerful and rich.
I never expected to feel this way but I’m now somehow leaning towards the idea that I should work for something that’s worth my time. And this means work that should help and inspire other people or work that doesn’t worship money and brainwash us all to think that all we need is money in order to be happy.
I sent a message to my sister two days ago and told her that I desperately want to grab my backpack, get out and go wherever the road takes me. I want to find a job wherever the job presents itself. I don’t have to be a writer, a copywriter or a boss. I can be a receptionist in a really cheap hostel or I can teach kids to play chess. I don’t feel like I have to be “on top” or become the Vice President of a company. Just because I have a degree from one of the top universities doesn’t mean that I have to be a zombie and follow what everyone else is doing such as having a good title with a high paying job, raising a family, having a home, a car and a dog. I don’t like all of these things right now. It’s not me.
I also shared this with some of my colleagues. I told them that I see this as my life’s adventure…to go out there and face whatever I have to face. And this is the only way for me to be transformed because I don’t know how much longer I can stand the fact that everything around is just so “dictated”.
But of course, I thought of the challenges that come with this, most especially that I have a health problem and that I’m a girl. And mind you, it’s not really that easy living in the wild with a vagina. I’m sure you know what I mean.
To try and ease my mind, I have been reading and taking notes from a surprisingly great book entitled Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. I did not expect this book to be so beautiful and inspiring because I was a bit disappointed with the movie.
The book presented itself to me when I was in my cousin’s house in Bangkok. I was a bit lonely at that time and thought of just reading a few pages but the book’s wit and humor blew me away!
One of the important lessons I learned so far from the book is this:
“…you gotta let go and sit still and allow contentment to come to you…”
I honestly would like to say that I’m working my ass off everyday to instill this message..and it’s hard! I have this mind with so many doubts, questions and worries that seem to block the positivity that attempts to break in.
I’m not expecting answers anytime soon. But as I go through each day, I do hope to find enlightenment.
Or maybe it’s just around the corner and I’m just too blind to see it…